First though, a bit about what has been taking up so much of my time. I started my new job with Heathrow Express and it's the most challenging thing that I've ever undertaken. Most of my shifts are spent working as a train dispatcher at either one of our two stations at Heathrow or at Paddington.
The level of responsibility is rather scary. I am responsible for everything that occurs on a train platform that is an 8th of a mile long and that I can barely see to the end of, and that includes the safety of what might, during busy times, be nearly one thousand passengers waiting on the platform, the passengers on the waiting trains, juggling radios and coordinating instructions from Control and various others, making pa's, arranging for the proper signals, keeping to a schedule that is down to the second for up to six trains an hour, ensuring that every train is safe for departure and actually turning the key to allow it to depart from the station.
And that is just when things are running smoothly, which quite often they are not. Just over the past few days we have had incidents caused by everything from an unbelievably callous couple shoving their baby in his pushchair through the closing doors of a train in hopes that they wouldn't have to wait a whole 15 minutes for another one to one of our trains hitting a lad riding his bike along the track which caused significant disruptions (the lad wasn't killed thankfully!)
As you can imagine this is all quite stressful, and at my age extremely tiring. My mind is going every second, trying to be aware of every single thing that is happening around me and prepared every second for any of a thousand possible emergencies. And on top of this I am commuting at least two and sometimes three hours in each direction, meaning that I often put in a 16-hour day. Llinos comes to fetch me from the airport whenever she can and that helps, but it is 29 miles each way and she certainly can't do that all of the time.
On top of all this, LoneWolf and I have put our flat on the market and we have (with Llinos' help once again) been clearing it out, packing, putting things into storage, retiling, painting, repairing, arranging for an electrician, plumber, new carpeting and everything else that goes along with trying to make a rather shabby old flat look appealing and that it's worth enough money for us to buy the little house that we want.
I also worked all Christmas week and we had LoneWolf's mum staying with us over the holiday. And finally, I have had no computer for a few weeks as it has been disconnected due to all of the remodelling.
So you can understand that outside all of this that I have been doing very little other than sleeping and occasionally having a bite to eat. I am numb by the time that I have a moment to sit down and pretty much in a zombie state. I haven't been able to form a coherent reply to any e-mails or to come to a decision about how to proceed with the Challenges or my Recommendations Page, and rather than make a post that had no real information and that I didn't have the energy to post anyway, I have been putting it off.
As well, I knew that any little post that I did make would be commented upon and that I wouldn't have any time to answer those comments, so I didn't say anything. And I do apologise for that, but I know that all of you have been in similar positions before, where you are just too tired to cope, and I felt that as all of you know me so well, and know how dedicated I have been to the fandom for so long, that you would take that into consideration and give me some slack, as I do when positions are reversed.
And for the most part all of you have done so, for which I am grateful!
The other day though, Llinos and I both received a rather rude letter from one of the regular participants, her intention being that it would make me take notice. Well, I certainly did, though perhaps not as she had intended. I was scolded most thoroughly, and Llinos was too, with everything that we had done recently in the fandom pointed out to us in an accusatory way.
Almost everything listed were things that Llinos has done or posted on her own, which has nothing to do with the delay of the Challenges at all – Llinos helps me beta and gives input to the themes, everything else to do with the Challenges are up to me. It is unfair to attack her, and that is what it boiled down to, accusing her of taking the time to do a KnittedHobbit Christmas card or post an older story to SoA when she should have been making posts about the status of the Challenges apparently – no she shouldn't, the Challenges are my responsibility!
As the writer pointed out, I did make a post of my own about the Christmas card on my LJ. I took two seconds to do that so that people who wanted one wouldn't miss out – apparently, according to the letter-writer, I was wrong to have taken the time for that, or for the little comment that I wrote on his post about the cards. It was just a couple of days before Christmas though and certainly not a post that required any significant thought, as would one concerning the Challenges.
The sender of the letter didn't mention though about the reviews that Llinos or I managed to find time to make on some of her stories, or the stories of others, for the MEFA's; also something that had a specific time limitation, like Christmas. We made a point to do as many of these as we could as the authors deserved to be recognised and we knew the stories for the most part anyway and didn't require any time to read them in order to write our reviews. Most of my reviewing was actually done from an internet café during my lunch break.
The letter-writer says that both Llinos and I have been "unbelievably rude" and hurtful by not making any post about the Challenges. Once again, I reiterate, Llinos has no part in any perceived rudeness, in fact she had replied to the writer earlier explaining that I was busy. The writer also says that I have received e-mails from several others about my silence – I haven't; just one other person has written about them, at least in the past few weeks that I am able to scroll back and it was a nice little note of inquiry.
Added to which, after the author had received a reply from Llinos to her e-mail and had written a subsequent one on the same day, to which Llinos also replied, the letter-writer actually phoned me on my mobile at work when I happened to be on my lunch break to restate her complaints about my silence. She says that she meant it in concern and friendship as well as in anger over my lack of availability and likely she did, but the result was that this just added to my stress and frustration over the whole situation, particularly when she said that quite a few people were discussing my rudeness in private e-mails.
This was very hurtful to hear as you can imagine, to whatever extent that it is true. As I said above I had assumed that people would be understanding of my situation, which most folks that I am in regular contact with are well aware of and sympathetic about.
I had already been rather annoyed during the last posted Challenge when one of the participants not only posted her Challenge story two days early on a Yahoo group that she moderates but also went to the trouble to consciously remove a beta credit for Llinos that was already on the document when it was sent back to her, an appallingly rude and dishonest thing to do. That particular group has over 300 members and to post her story consciously removing the beta credit was taking away credit from a friend and editor where it was due. Not the first time that she has done so, but the first time that I wrote to her about her actions. I have never received a response to that e-mail.
To make a long rant short, the incident with the removal of the beta-credit had already made me question whether I should continue to put so much time and effort into the Challenges, but this latest incident with the letters and phone call has made me decide that perhaps it would be better to stop the Challenges, for a while at least.
The Challenges were meant to be fun and to contribute quality hobbit fanfic to the fandom. And for nearly four years that is what we all accomplished by working together, and I thank each and every one that participated in any way.
It is clear from the incidents described above though, that the whole business is being taken too seriously by some people at the moment and perhaps this would be a good time for a hiatus. I could obviously use one anyway, at least until LoneWolf and I manage to move to our new house and I get my British driving licence which will ease the commuting burden.
So, with reluctance, instead of proposing a bi-monthly Challenge, which is what I had finally decided to do, I am stopping Marigold's Challenge. I can't possibly live up to what certain people are expecting of me – I have a job and a very busy life outside the fandom unlike some others – the whole thing was meant to be fun for me as well, but others seem now to take for granted the fact that I spent so much of my free time to produce the Challenge every month. It was my pleasure to do so and I am sorry that I finally failed along the way.
I certainly am not including everyone in this rant or in making my decision! I have made so many friends throughout the fandom and through the Challenges in particular and I value each of you, even though I may not post constantly on your LJ's or exchange long e-mails. That doesn't mean that I am not thinking of you though, just that I am overwhelmed sometimes by RL issues and demands, as, I am sure, are most of you as well.
My Recommendations Page will be on hold indefinitely as well, as I obviously don't have time for searching out good stories at the moment.
Hopefully the Recs Page will be back in action soon. I am not so certain about the Challenges, but perhaps someday I will be in a position and a frame of mind in which to start them up again, though I doubt that it will be on a monthly basis.
So, anyone that sent a story in for a Challenge that was not posted, please feel free to consider those postable where and when you please to do so.
And once again I apologise for not updating you sooner than this as to the situation, even though I wasn't sure myself exactly what the situation was going to be!
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knittedmerry is preparing his list of lucky recipients for this year's rather amazing and spectacular KnittedHobbit Yule Card!
chipper
disappointed